I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
