were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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