How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
This house was built for laser tag.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
