What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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