paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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