I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
