Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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