Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
