my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
