i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
