so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
