True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
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We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
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I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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