You just made me feel so damn special
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
So many bounce houses so little time
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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