Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
