I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
