today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
