Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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