Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Two words: nipple clamps
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