I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize