my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
