So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Drake has all the answers
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
