Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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