I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
