I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
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Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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