yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
one might say we're banned from that church
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
The ass gains better be worth it
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
