before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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