i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
