did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You're earring is so big in my mouth
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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