Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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