She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
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Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
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We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me