did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
