we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
