It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
