What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
