you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
