The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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