fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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