she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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