Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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