You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
