i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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