There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
