Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
