i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
