I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
