hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
