In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
