apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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