I'm drive I can fine osifer
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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