when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
