Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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