Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
