I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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