All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
