apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
