He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
