I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
