awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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