That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Let's get the cat blown out
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
