shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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