i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
