I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
