i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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